[brynne-michelle-willis]

Modern dating is very interesting. We used to live in a culture where the people you date were the people you see everyday in person. Not only do you get a pretty good idea of what the person is about, good and bad; but if you like them, you better make a move because who knows when you will see them again or if they will be snatched up! Now, our dating pools are as large as the planet we live on, literally. Tinder, Bumble, and expansion of other dating websites has made finding someone on the internet the norm. We are no longer forced to abide within the pools of people we meet in-person. If things don’t work out with the coworker, family friend, or college mate, no biggie I’ll just do a few swipes and match with someone else. The possibilities are infinite.

This new culture has led to two problems in modern dating:

1. Development of false impressions: filtered pictures and short bios leaves the person looking at your page to fill in the blanks for themselves. Because its relationships, we tend to fill in the blanks with unrealistic positives because we look for the things we want most. Furthermore, there is a risk assessment with everything placed on your page: expose too much and you may scare them away, or cause them to get the wrong impression of you. When posting about  disability or a condition, they may think you have cognitive impairment, more disabled than what you are, unable to be independent, etc. This is where stigma surrounding disability is seen most explicitly. Expose too little, they will be disappointed with finding out that you have a condition. Both have happened to me.

2. Development of unrealistic expectations: Because of the above, in between “matching” and first date, we dream up unrealistic expectations of the other individual. This makes it difficult to see past the first sign of imperfection. The risk of seeing such imperfection leads one to just end the date and hop back on the website. This is what I call FOBO, or Fear Of Better Option. There is no perfect person, everyone knows that, but what if there is a more perfect person than the person sitting across from me tonight? I think many individuals in my generation experience this, which lowers the tenacious resiliency needed for a meaningful and committed relationship.

Having SMA type 3 and being ambulatory with need of assistance from a scooter for long distances, broaching this condition online has been very interesting for me. For a year, just as an experiment I tried 3 different ways to broach my disability, all warranting different reactions. Below are the effects I have found:

1. No pictures or signs of me having a disability-this has led to extreme anxiety about when I will disclose and if he will reject me because of it, or if my disability will be exposed through a fall or difficulty getting out of a chair. This usually ends with the guy being uncomfortable and feeling mislead because he didn’t know. The deal breaker was surprisingly the possibility of me not being able to have children (if he is a carrier). the honest ones expressed they would have appreciated knowing this going into the date, which I took constructively since I was experimenting at the time. With no indication of disability, I got the most swipes and likes.

2. Half pictures of me in my scooter and me standing-most guys think its a fun ride, or that I am just too lazy to walk even though I explicitly state I have a medical condition. Once I explain I have the condition, they originally feel bad. I usually wait to do this in person since they usually “ghost” me doing it over text. I had fewer likes and swipes than the previous experiment, but still a substantial amount.

3. All pictures of me in my scooter-they are off-putted by me walking into the restaurant, and feel mislead but in a different sense. They are then confused as to how my disability affects me. Surprisingly, this has usually been the best case scenario, since it ended up being better than they expected, though I experienced the least amount of swipes and matches with this form of broaching.

I have found that with guys, they want to know how it affects you everyday and what the long term affects are. They also want to know if it can be fixed. Now, I am not saying online dating is impossible, I’m just saying it raises interesting barriers when doing this form of dating with a disability, especially if its invisible. I have found that the open and honest policy is the best, with being as broad about your condition as possible. Sure, you may get fewer likes, but the likes you get will be with people who are at least willing to give you a try. I had to learn to be comfortable with rejection that so obviously surrounded my disability (most likes with no discussion of disability, fewer swipes with disability present), which can be originally be upsetting. But, knowing there are people out there who see past that makes this dating process all worth it! What have your experiences been??