Apparently, SMA isn’t a shield from bad dates online
On an app, I was treated like any other woman. But how is that a good thing?
“My SMA will weed out all of the undeserving jerks on the dating scene for me,” I once thought. Reader, I was not at all correct. Oh, how naive I was in my early 20s.
In my defense, I was happily committed to a relationship with my now ex-girlfriend. She had the most beautiful smile I’d have the grace of witnessing and was one of the kindest and smartest people I’ve met. Even better, she was my first romantic partner and my best friend. I’d somehow managed to skip all the awkward, potentially disastrous first romances other people get.
SMA was key to my success. Because of SMA, I developed severe scoliosis and chronic neuropathy; because of worsening neuropathy, my then-girlfriend offered to distract me with conversations. We grew closer thanks to my disability. How refreshing!
“The people who are worth it are the ones who’ll take a chance on dating you with your disability,” I thought.
I was devastated when we split in 2023. (We remain friends, though.)
Swiping right … into a ditch of regrets
Fast forward to 2025, when I’m 26. I was bored late one night, so I downloaded Bumble. I started swiping.
I still can’t tell if using the app was a mistake. But I can tell you that it changed my worldview within two weeks.
As it turns out, there are a number of people who’ll swipe right on someone with a visibly severe disability like mine. It may have helped that I’m wearing smoky eyeshadow and pink lipstick in my profile picture. But anyone who screens my profile properly would see the wheelchair and the concerningly thin limbs, discerning the difficulty I have with mobility.
Surprisingly, though, I had matches who didn’t mind the “less attractive” parts of me.
But the normalization of disabilities cuts both ways. It’s something I didn’t realize and had to learn the hard way. With each match I spoke to, I increasingly wished I didn’t have any matches at all.
Many appeared genuinely sweet in the beginning. They were even complimentary about my personality and how I dealt with my disability. There was no overt ableism, objectification, or fetishization of my SMA, as I’d expected. They got brownie points for that.
Then came pictures of genitals. The bad sexual puns. The eye-rolling pickup lines. The desire men had for me to be what they wanted, not who I am. The false promises and ghosting. In some cases, the replies read like they’d been written by a bot.
I was treated like any other woman on a dating app. But at what cost?
Missing ableism like missing an ex
“I’ve had enough attention from men,” I’ve said to myself these past few days. But of course, I’m still swiping left and right (mostly left) out of boredom. I’m still hoping that someone I’d like to spend time with, if not fall for, is just around the corner.
It’s not that the attention was entirely bad for me. If anything, my biggest takeaway is that I’m quite a catch and deserve more than the treatment I’ve gotten. I’m pretty, intelligent, funny, kind, ambitious, generous, kinky, and an award-winning writer and advocate. Anyone with a brain would be lucky to have me as a partner.
But there’s a palpable tension between wanting to feel desired and wanting to escape the typical (some might say misogynistic) dating experience. I thought SMA would shield me from the latter. I was wrong. And I don’t know how to feel about that, other than disappointed.
I like that I feel my disability has been normalized. I don’t like feeling that the normalization of my body can come with feeling used, even if no one meant for me to feel this way. Which, to be clear, I don’t believe any of my matches meant. They were likely just doing what they thought would help them acquire an ideal partner.
That may be the typical experience of any girl looking for love, but why do we allow that to be the typical experience? Why do we accept it?
I’m missing ableist comments as I would an ex. I know it’s not right for me, but there’s comfort in the familiar.
At least I’m not alone. Right?
I wish I could offer answers and solutions to the questions and problems I’ve posed. Unfortunately, I’m wrestling with them myself.
What I can offer, if you’re in the dating scene as I am, is the reassurance that you likely deserve better than what you’re getting. Especially if you have SMA.
Note: SMA News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of SMA News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to spinal muscular atrophy.
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