Learning to resolve conflict with friends who are also caregivers
Distance isn't an option when I physically depend on someone
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In my life with SMA, my favorite thing to talk and write about is my caregiver community. They are truly exceptional and amazing people who faithfully show up, step up when my needs change, and courageously do hard and messy things to help me live well. I am deeply grateful for them all and humbled by their love and care.
No matter how wonderful my friends are, I have to remember that we are human, and relationships inevitably get complicated and even difficult. When we are in such an intimate context, we not only become close friends but also learn what triggers us, what pains us, and what our weaknesses are. At our worst, we do things that annoy and frustrate each other, say things that offend, and make choices we don’t agree on.
For many people and in many situations, conflict necessitates distance, either temporarily to cool off or permanently to find healing. But for me and others with severe disabilities, distance is not always a realistic option.
Navigating conflicts with my caregivers
If I get mad at my friend for making a life choice that I think is stupid, I can’t just kick them out of my house because I actually need them to take my dinner out of the oven. If a friend gets hurt because of my sarcastic tone or careless remarks, I’d better figure out how to make amends pretty quickly because I need them to finish dressing me.
In the heat of the moment, I get so angry. I hate that I have a disability, that I can’t do whatever I want, that I can’t escape, and that I need this person. Nothing makes me feel more pathetic and vulnerable.
This intense level of dependency has taught me so much about interpersonal relationships over the years, particularly about the power of staying, fighting, and forgiving. I haven’t always done this well, and there are some precious caregiving friendships that I regret losing because of insecurity and pride. But those past struggles motivate me to try harder and respond differently when conflicts arise now.
When I (or my insurance company) hire and pay a caregiver to be with me, I have the option to fire or dismiss them if I deem it necessary. And in cases of true abuse or neglect, this is absolutely the correct action; we should never tolerate harmful “care,” which is not care at all. It’s trickier if this happens with a volunteer who feels unsafe or unreliable. It’s important to try to clearly communicate concerns and needs to resolve these issues early in the relationship, but sometimes, rarely, it just has to end.
More often, conflicts or tensions build because of cultural or personality clashes, and misunderstanding or miscommunication. These are issues that can be repaired and recovered if we are willing to lean into them and wrestle through them together to reach mutual compassion and empathy.
In those moments when we both want to walk away, the most important thing we can do is take a deep breath, listen to each other, and be quick to apologize. It may not fix everything, but at least it will help us complete the current essential caregiving tasks without bitterness and resentment. We can revisit the conversation later, once we’ve both had time to process (and the oven is off), so deeper resolution has a chance to occur. Breaking relationships only hurts us both and depletes the resources we need for full and meaningful lives.
My need for help is not limited to physical strength and mobility; I need others to comfort me when I’m sad, challenge me when I’m stubborn, and celebrate with me when I do something brave. And they need me in these ways, too! Healthy dependency is recognizing that we need each other, and that is a good thing.
Whether you are the caregiver or the care-receiver, don’t let separation be your go-to solution to conflict. Fight for your friendship and all the good it has done for you both. It isn’t easy or fun, but it is worthwhile.
Note: SMA News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of SMA News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to spinal muscular atrophy.
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