Situations when people don’t know how to react to your disability

[susana-m]

I don’t technically think that we’re required to put other people at ease, but the practicality of the situation is that it’s on us to let them know what we need. And that applies to social situations as well. For me, this depends on the person and how they are approaching the situation.

Kids are sponges, recognizing things they’ve never experienced before with wonder. It usually starts with wide eyes, pointing and overly loud questions for their parents.

This is where it changes.

Parents can be awkward and uncomfortable, grabbing their child and telling them not to stare. Basically succeeding in scaring them so that future interactions begin with fear. The best situation happens when a parent looks at me and, through simple sign language, asks if it’s OK for them to approach. Problem solved, kids are not scared and (depending on the age) we might have a magical conversation about tiny little horses in my chair or how everyone is born different; some can run fast and some can’t walk, some have brown eyes and some blue, I’m not broken but there are some things I can’t do.

Adults are different, but equally awkward. When greeting sometimes I will go with a simple wave or nod. If they’re hesitating while reaching out to shake my hand I’ll clarify that, ‘yeah, they can shake my hand, I just can’t reach out for theirs.’

After all that, just moving on is often the best strategy to normalize interactions. “You want a drink? Sure, include a straw”, that sort of thing.

Is there a different kind of awkward that you’re referring to or have experienced?

[alyssa-silva]

Shaking hands is definitely one of the awkward situations that I’m referring to. One time in college, I went to visit my brother and his roommate reached his hand out to shake mine. I was very shy at the time and didn’t know what to do, so I just stared at his hand. He retracted slowly and patted me on the head instead. I guess I’m the one who made that awkward. 😂

But speaking more generally, I find that in group settings, strangers don’t know how to react to me, whether or not they should talk to me, say hi to me, etc. At times, it feels isolating. Other times, I don’t really care. But it prompted a question of whether or not others do something about it. Is it a teaching moment? Should you go out of your way to talk to someone? Do you even bother with it?

You nailed it, though, with children. I find that so many parents are quick to shush their kids when they are pointing or talking loudly about me, but I really appreciate any chance I get to talk to a little kid about my disability.

[susana-m]

Shaking hands can definitely be awkward, it’s a social interaction with a lot of assumptions built into it. That you can reach out, that you can grip a firm handshake, that you can tolerate physical contact. Assumptions most people don’t ever have to question.

Were you the one who made that awkward? No, not entirely. You both did. He probably had not met many people with disabilities and you were a little intimidated in the college environment. Unfamiliar territory for both of you.

Take it as a teachable moment for yourself. In hindsight, how did you want that interaction to be? What could you have done differently? Then imagine yourself doing it that way next time. Some of this is practice, mental rehearsals to become more comfortable with a new script, with a new possibility.

It can absolutely feel isolating when others don’t know how to interact with you. How many people have spoken to my family instead of me and generally my people will say, “you can ask her.” They don’t know if they can and feel awkward about it. An important question is do you want them to? And if you do, how do you let them know?

Remember, we’re human first and humans are generally social animals. Smile first, say hello, invite people into your space.