I always forget I have medical trauma until I’m in the operating room

Another day, another trek to Gillette Children’s Specialty Healthcare. This time, though, it’s for something I’ve never done before: a cortisone injection in my right hip.

For all I’ve written about chronic pain over the years, I don’t think I fully understood how debilitating it can be until just recently. It takes up space in every area of your life. Even with the various liver-friendly pain medications available these days, you quickly discover that your next flare is always top of mind. It’s only a matter of time until you’re miserable again.

The orthopedic doctor who suggested the shot in the first place said the process was investigative. Because the source of my pain was mysterious — was it hip pain? Sacroiliac joint dysfunction? A problem with my spinal rods? — there was no real way to know if the injection was targeting the correct location unless I saw improvement. If the shot to the hip didn’t help, well, it probably meant the problem was originating elsewhere.

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I’m intimately familiar with this kind of methodology. When you have a complex medical condition like SMA, you get used to the process of elimination, especially when dealing with comorbidities. Things are rarely ever straightforward.

But just because I’m used to the process doesn’t mean I find it enjoyable. It isn’t just frustrating; it’s disheartening, especially when you add chronic pain to the mix. At a certain point, you just want answers. But what if there are no answers? What if the absence of an answer is, in fact, an answer?

Needless to say, I wasn’t feeling optimistic about my first cortisone injection. I hoped it would help, but when are things ever that easy?

An unexpected setback

I know a couple of people who have gotten cortisone injections, including my friend and fellow columnist Sherry Toh, so I had some idea of what I was getting into.

The shot itself went fine. I was nervous — who isn’t when a needle is being shoved into your literal hip joint? — but going to Gillette for the injection kept my anxiety at bay. The worst part was what the radiologist called calcification around the joint. There was resistance when the needle went in, and I felt every second, like someone was hitting my bones very gently with one of those reflex hammers.

Otherwise, the process went off without a hitch. They put you under the X-ray machine to make sure the injection is positioned correctly. (Also to make sure they don’t hit an artery. In the radiologist’s words, that would be bad.) Then comes the anesthetic and steroid cocktail. And then you’re done! In and out in under an hour — my kind of medical procedure.

What took me by surprise, and had me dysregulated for most of the day, was Gillette itself. I have a complicated relationship with hospitals. I love them, but I hate them, too. They scare me out of my wits. I can be in one for something completely innocuous and still feel like I’m about to die.

Because Gillette is a small specialty hospital, everything procedure-related is lumped onto the surgery floor. This means that if you need imaging of any sort, you get sent to the waiting room, where patients and guardians of all kinds are hoping to hear their kid survived whatever operation they’ve undergone. It’s a relatively cheery place, all things considered. But it’s still hard for me to witness. It doesn’t matter how old I am or how many years have passed since my parents were the ones waiting to hear if their daughter was going to live.

I forget that I have medical trauma, as strange as that sounds. You’d think that, like chronic pain, it’d always be at the forefront of my mind. But it isn’t. Like any sort of life-defining event, it lingers, subtly influencing how you engage with the world … until you’re in the operating room watching your trauma play out all over again.

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Note: SMA News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of SMA News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to spinal muscular atrophy.