How a stuffed horse brought back a heavy childhood memory
Reflecting on the day I realized how different I was from other kids
Every now and then, memories from my childhood hit me in the most unexpected ways, which is surprising because I don’t remember much from years past. Alas, my parents were cleaning out our basement recently when they came across a large trash bag filled with some of my stuffed animals. Right on top was a stuffed horse I hadn’t seen in decades. The memories it still held sucker-punched me right in the gut and transported me back in time to a moment when life felt so heavy.
I was 7 or 8 years old when I got the horse. My parents and I had just finished seeing the orthopedist at Boston Children’s Hospital. We were there to discuss the severity of my scoliosis, a complication of my spinal muscular atrophy (SMA), and the probable complications from surgery to correct it.
It was difficult for me to comprehend everything at a young age, but I remember feeling sad and uneasy after the visit. Something about the way my doctor spoke, the way he carefully examined my X-ray results and asked other doctors for their input, made me begin to feel the weight of it all.
Comfort from a stuffed horse named Oats
Though we were all feeling down, my parents did everything possible to prevent SMA from stealing my joy that day. So, they took me to the hospital gift shop to cheer me up before we left. There, I found the stuffed horse and named him Oats. I clung to him tightly as we sorrowfully headed toward the car.
Sitting in traffic on the way home, Oats became my source of comfort as my thoughts wandered. Though my young mind could grasp so little, I knew one thing was for sure: My life wasn’t like that of other kids my age.
The kids I knew were climbing monkey bars and playing tag after school. They had dance recitals, baseball games, and piano lessons, while I had hospital visits, procedures, and tests. Most of all, they weren’t burdened by the complexities of their health. They didn’t have a care in the world.
Until that point in my life, I didn’t know what it meant to have SMA, but I was starting to understand it in a fundamental way. I remember feeling envious of my peers and wondering what living without my physical limitations would be like. I wondered what it was like not to receive bad news or make countless hospital trips. I wondered what it felt like not to be held back by SMA.
Finding Oats all these years later stirred something inside of me. It reminded me of a little girl who was so sad, even if only for a brief moment. It reminded me of how well my parents kept the joy alive and gave me such an amazing childhood, full of more happiness than sadness. Most of all, it reminded me of the strength I built at such a young age, a gift that most kids didn’t have. I endured many trials and tribulations, but I kept going despite everything.
When my dad pulled Oats out of the bag the other day, I squealed, “Oats! You can’t get rid of him!”
He gave me a puzzled look. After all, my reaction might have been a bit over the top, considering I hadn’t thought about that stuffed animal in years. But he began to tear up when I reminded him of the backstory. He remembered that day perfectly, and for a minute, we felt the pain all over again together. Then, he gently placed Oats down, this time outside of the trash bag to keep.
Though Oats will go back into the basement, he’ll now return as more than just a childhood memory. This time, he’ll symbolize courage, strength, and how far I’ve come with SMA.
Note: SMA News Today is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of SMA News Today or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to spinal muscular atrophy.
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