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Have you ever dated when you have SMA?
Growing up, my favorite film was Disney’s animated Beauty and the Beast. Like the Beast, I believed that if I were ever going to find someone who would date me with my SMA, they would have to learn to see past it to fall in love with me. Now that I am dating for real, though, I know things are more complicated than that – that I have to see past “flaws” others have, too. Don’t get me started on SMA.
Have you ever dated? What was your experience like? What did you learn?
I’ll share a bit more of my experience in the thread.
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8 Replies
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One surprising thing I have found recently, as I noted in my most recent column, is that SMA isn’t as much of an issue as I thought it would be? I’ve matched and flirted with a lot of people online. I even had a date with a couple in an open marriage. It does cut both ways, though – I have also matched with far too many people who weren’t sincere in their intentions, to put it simply.
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I had just turned 50, and my first marriage had ended. I was faced with dating Not only at an older age, but with a degenerative neuromuscular disease SMA Type 3.
Luckily, I was (and still am, for the most part) living a normal life. I went on numerous first dates and ALWAYS let my date know what I had. At that time, many didn’t seem to care or maybe understand what the future could hold. I got serious with someone who was a nurse and 13 years younger. The relationship had its ups and downs.
I’ll never forget when my best friend told me that the person a woman named Lisa who I really liked, said she didn’t know if there was a future because I wasn’t going to be able to do what she wanted. And obviously, the relationship ended.
Soon after, I met Angie, my wife today. Again, I told her about SMA, sitting here typing I asked her if she researched what I had . She said she did and she didn’t care at all. She was a widow and had taken care of her deceased husband while he had cancer.
I was and still am a handful. I am full of life, a lot to take in, and very confident. Angie saw something in me I didn’t know I had. She was ready to take on SMA and fight by my side.
I’m one of the lucky ones. God has blessed me in many ways, and Angie is the biggest blessing of all. Had I not met her and continued dating, I’m sure I would have experienced more situations like I did with Lisa. She said she loved me but did she really?
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I have an amazing girlfriend whom I met through Hinge! We have a wonderful relationship and make things work, despite my SMA. She’s an incredible blessing.
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“Have you ever dated when you have SMA?”
I know what you meant to say but the way you said it cracks me up. By definition, those of us who have dated have done it with SMA. Thanks for the giggle.
Dating with a disability has a lot of obstacles, literal and otherwise.
The hard facts of medical prognosis can be intimidating for those who choose to share our lives. Activities are limited, defined by physicality. Travel or physical fitness can be deal breakers. Let’s be honest, the severity of disability when you start dating makes a difference. Does this person see you as a person or as a condition to be rescued?
But first you have all the normal range of relationship issues: chemistry, communication, sexuality, expectations of a partner and economic goals.
I’m going out on a limb here with an overgeneralized statement: IMO, people who date women have a better chance of finding a partner. Women are often socialized to be caretakers. It still takes work, a lot of of it. But it’s possible.
At the end of the day, meet people who share your interests. People who make you laugh, who you want to share your stories with. I didn’t think I’d have a long-term relationship (because I didn’t have any healthy relationship role models) but here we are 31 years in and still making each other laugh.
Go out, flirt, get to know people. We’ve been told for so long that we are undesirable, it’s become an unspoken belief system. Time to test the theory.
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I have had 4 relationships in my 25 years, and unfortunately, they haven’t worked out. Facing adversity is nothing new to disabled individuals; it’s even more challenging while being in an interabled relationship. My relationships ended in many different scenarios, and I have developed a jaded mindset surrounding relationships. I’m starting to come around to the idea of exploring the thought of a new relationship!
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While I don’t know the details of those relationships, I’m assuming they didn’t all end because of your disability.
Relationships can be difficult. Full stop. For anyone.
We all carry our own baggage: family patterns, cultural dynamics, societal expectations, gender norms.
The only thing we can control is how we choose to react or respond.
After my previous relationship ended I decided to take a break and really examine what happened, how I contributed. Did a lot of journaling, started noticing repeating patterns, even had a little therapy. In that process, I discovered core belief systems sabotaged several relationships.
Keep in mind the “jaded mindset” is your psyche putting up walls to protect you from another loss. It’s an effective strategy to keep you safe. Be gentle with yourself, being vulnerable feels unsafe when your past keeps reinforcing the idea that all relationships end.
Becoming a little more self-aware changed the trajectory of my love life. Your mileage may vary, but this is what made a difference for me.
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Been dating a wonderful woman for a while now. Dating honestly is so incredibly complicated, to be honest I tend to put them off. While i absolutely love having a girlfriend , someone whom i can go out with, my anxiety builds before every date to the point of near paralysis. Every date feels like coordinating the storming of Normandy under enemy fire.
First, must pick a place to go. Neither of us drive and she doesn’t live that close, so must be some event or place between our locations . Is the event or place wheelchair accessible ? Am broke and likely have to pay dates Uber…is it affordable ? Disability isn’t even covering basics anymore …better pick affordable restaurant. More than one location like dinner and movies …how get from point A to point B? My father usually has to drive…bit embarrassing. Is like having a chaperone . Are tables in restaurant too high? Too low? What if get congested eating…better not eat too much. Any place to go besides movies yet again ? Attendant has to put me to bed… got to get home before he leaves at 9:30…the latest he will stay…will i get home on time? Is discussing getting more intimate…how can i work that out? What if catheter fails…hasn’t happened in a while but what if it does? Should i mention have one on? Hinting marriage ideas …i can’t marry…will loose services! They raised Uber rates again ? UGH!
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That sounds horribly stressful, just takes the joy out of getting to know someone. Might be worth talking to your doctor about an anti-anxiety Rx. Not necessarily something to take every day, but maybe when you’re coordinating the storming of Normandy.
Don’t have any creative solutions for the finances but check and see if your county offers transportation service. In Miami we have STS, not ideal, but it’s something.
I do have thoughts about what to do that is not just dinner and a movie 😀 We still enjoy a bookstore date with coffee. One thing to check is if your library (or SNAP program) gives free tickets to local museums and zoos. Here it’s called Museum Pass Program
National parks offer free lifetime Access Pass for disabled and a companion.
https://www.nps.gov/subjects/accessibility/interagency-access-pass.htm
Hope some of this is useful but mostly I’d suggest learning what she’s interested in and plan an activity centered on that. Most people really love when their partners are paying attention to what they like and show an interest.
mdpls.org
Museum Pass - Miami-Dade Public Library System
Museum Pass - Miami-Dade Public Library System
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