-
How do you deal with condescending attitudes?
I’m open about sharing my experiences because it’s how I live. I think it’s important for people to see that. Lately, it’s been tough because of some condescending comments from people I’ve known for a long time. It’s no secret I take advantage of programs that ease the financial burden of having a disability. I’m realizing others see it as a handout and may even resent the fact I’m eligible and they’re not.
In conversation with my weekend PCA, as she was assisting me to bed, I don’t even remember what we were talking about. I mentioned I was disappointed the Covid assistance must have run out because my internet bill jumped. Her response threw me off guard. She stated I should be grateful I got it for as long as I did. That she had to pay her whole bill the entire time.
First off, I never said I wasn’t grateful. If programs like this didn’t exist it would be even more difficult to make ends meet. What people don’t understand is that when you take advantage of these programs you have to live within their constraints. It’s not as easy as it sounds. If I don’t, I’d lose the care I need to survive. It’s one of those catch-22 situations.
My response probably wasn’t the greatest. I told her she didn’t know what it’s like having to be in a wheelchair 24/7. That she didn’t have to squeeze her cheeks for hours on end waiting for someone to come so you don’t poop in your pants. Not my finest moment but it’s the truth.
Thankfully that concluded the night. The rest of the weekend was somewhat awkward, she did her job, and I did my best to be pleasant and talk about mundane topics like the Superbowl commercials.
Let me have it. How should I have handled the situation? How do you interact with people who you know look down upon you? Do I owe her an apology?
-
4 Replies
-
Maybe it’s because I’m from Philadelphia originally, but your response seems entirely appropriate to me (and maybe even not harsh enough). My dad and I have a running joke where he tells me to be more grateful and patient, and I roll my eyes and tell him to hurry up with whatever I asked him to do. It’s good practice at reducing the shame I feel when people use those words seriously, at realizing that I don’t deserve that criticism.
If you feel like there’s still tension, and your PCA is important enough for you to make to the effort, you could ask to talk to her at a time when you’re not doing other caregiving activities. You could say that you may have expressed yourself crudely, but it’s hard to be emotionally mature when you’re just trying to go to bed and you feel like your whole life is being scrutinized. And that you stand by the sentiment – you could explain the difficulty of managing finances with a disability, how you have to keep yourself in poverty so that you don’t lose services you could never afford otherwise, etc. – and/or you could get into how the word “grateful” is a trigger in the disability community and how we are always expected to be grateful for services that just bring us up to the same baseline as everyone else.
DeAnn, I think the only person you owe an apology is yourself – for valuing yourself so little that you give this much weight to other people’s totally uneducated, invalid criticisms. You are not getting paid to take care of your PCA’s emotional needs. They are getting paid to take care of your physical needs. Maybe understanding what your life is like would help them do a better job, but that’s up to you if you want to spend your energy on that conversation.
-
Thanks Micaela! Guess I need to channel my inner Philly. I’ve gotten accustomed to Minnesota nice. Mom and I banter jokingly with each other too. I’ve had to remind her, and myself sometimes, that others take it seriously though. We know we’re kidding but not everyone does.
At this point I’m just letting things be with this particular caregiver. I love all the points you brought up, but I feel my efforts would be fruitless explaining it to this individual. As you alluded I’d rather save my energy.
-
Absolutely! Only certain people are worth having that kind of conversation.
-
-
-
I agree I definitely think you should give yourself a break because you didn’t say anything wrong. You were simply defending yourself. And it’s true none of these people have any idea what it’s like to sit and wait and feel like our bladders or bowels are about to burst and there’s no one around to help until the next shift starts. Just because these people take care of us doesn’t mean they are in any position to judge. They have no idea what we go through and no idea what it feels like. Not even a little bit. I would like to see how they felt if they had to constantly suffer and wait for things like we do. They have the capability of going off and making a living and getting a good job and we don’t because our insurance will get taken away. Actually had a similar situation happen from a rude customer service rep at Medicare at the 1-800 hotline. I was trying to get a prescription issue figured out and they were telling me to go to a different Pharmacy and I didn’t want to pay $11 per box for Albuterol nebulizer bullets. And the Medicare rep made some snarky remark like… well I think $11 is pretty reasonable and I pay for all of my prescriptions out of pocket. And at the time I had been waiting on hold for so long but I just wanted to get the situation handled and get off the phone. But in hindsight I wish I had complained about her or at least snapped back at her, because I felt like saying you know what, you also don’t have to pay for a modified van and repairs out of pocket like I do so don’t compare yourself to me
Log in to reply.