Dating Apps

[Nate88]

I’ve been dating an amazing gal who matched with me on Hinge. That’s why I think dating apps are worth a try for anyone with SMA who’s interested in a relationship. Give it a shot!

[kevin-schaefer]

I personally haven’t had luck with them but I know plenty of Disabled people who have. I’d say give it a try.

[alyssa-silva]

I haven’t had much luck either but I also never really put too much time or effort into it. I’d give up after a few days. 😂 But I say go for it. Even if a relationship doesn’t come out of it, it’s great practice just talking to someone and holding a conversation with them. And it’s waaay less pressure than having to do it face to face.

[mike-volkman]

20 years ago I set up profiles in the dating websites. I did it both ways, not mentioning my disability and writing openly about my advocacy work. It didn’t seem to make a difference. It’s easier for women because guys always make the first move. My close friend posted her profile. Guys responded to her picture and didn’t even read what she wrote about her disability. When they contacted her, the correspondence continued until they got to that one thing. Then they disappeared.

This is the important part: don’t be scared. If just mentioning your disability chases people away, consider that to be a filter protecting you. The perfect is the enemy of the good. If they are prejudiced enough not to even give you the time of day, then that is a lot better than wasting months or weeks with these jerks and having them break your heart later after you have already invested much of yourself into them for nothing.

And like Dr. Ruth said on the radio back in the 80s, your chances are much greater if you get out there and get involved in activities which attract people who have things in common with you.

[tammy]

I made a profile a few times and talked to some nice people who didn’t care about my disability. However, I did not feel any interest or Connection in any of those people. I ended up deleting my account after a few weeks. Then every other time I would make a new account I would end up just doing the same thing again LOL. I felt like I was forcing myself to find someone just for the sake of having someone. Rather than allowing it to happen naturally. Don’t get me wrong, I know a few people who have done it and it worked out and they ended up getting married and are still happily married. But it’s just not for me. I’m grateful that the person I am with now has known me for 28 years. I’m comfortable with him, and I know his heart. It just flows so naturally and that’s what I really like

[susana-m]

Despite not having any experience with dating apps, I’m gonna jump in here. If your friends are encouraging you to do this and want to make a profile for you, do it! Call it practice. Whether it works out or not, it’s a gamble for everyone. But I do think you should be out in the world doing things that you’re interested in, that’s a good way to meet people. There’s MeetUp and Eventbrite and lots of ways to find out what’s happening in your area. It’s OK to be scared but don’t let the fear stop you. You’re alive, live the best life you can.

[rian-dindzans]

I tried dating apps for a while, never got any stalkers or serial killers haha but did get a lot of people who ghosted me. Most I’ve gotten from it has been a couple of friends, which is great but not quite what I got the apps for, pfft. It’s worth a try if you feel like trying, as long as you don’t put your address on there it should be fine safety-wise. You could even bring a friend to a first date as an emergency out if need be, they could just sit a couple tables or seats away. While I didn’t get much out of it, who knows, maybe you find you like it! Or maybe its kind of meh. But either way, you figure out something new about yourself in the process and can use that information to help you later in life if so desired! Personally I’m not sure dating and romance is for me – but I gave it a shot in-person and online, and if I feel like trying again I will 🙂 The world’s your oyster, as the adage goes!

[angel]

I know this is an older post, but here is too much info. Remember that online dating for everyone is like fire, the greatest thing ever and a very possible nightmare. You have access to people you probably would that have in every day life who have similar interests, ideas and beliefs at your no makeup on, unshaven pajama wearing fingertips (I’m not talking about shaving your fingertips). Adversely no one feels like a person yet, so everyone is disposable, including you to everyone else. I tell my friends without disabilities that it takes 100 online encounters before you might meet someone of substance that you truly want to get to know on a personal or intimate level. I’m guessing the odds are not better . when you mix in a disability. However, it is also a way to be a person before a disability. It is a way to get to know someone, on a personal level without physical limitations. I remember when the Internet was young and message boards were plentiful. Introducing graphics was not an easy task, so people were literally just their words. Age, sex, race and physical descriptions were all just vague unknowns, left for the asking and telling. No, Internet dating is not like that anymore, but it is a chance to be something more than what you see in the first 10 seconds. You probably will not find Mr. or Mrs. Right right away, if ever. Yet dating for everyone is usually not about finding what you want at first, it is about finding what you definitely don’t want. That is why anyone who has ever dated, online or IRL, has a few horror stories. Once you do know what you want, and what you definitely do not want in a partner, it is easier to find someone like that because you have narrowed down the playing field. Like any first date, on your profile put your best traits forward. Maybe this next part is the wrong approach, but it is usually the one I use. I don’t mention a whole lot about my disability until I get to know someone well enough that it is worth the effort of answering the questions they will inevitably want to ask. (And be open and prepared to answer the different levels of questions without embarrassment.) Does this approach mean more rejection from people I might actually be interested in? Yes. It also means that people who might not have considered me as an option, sometimes do. If you are starting out and have a thin skin when it comes to rejection, I would suggest putting much of it out there and those who go beyond the profile are probably open to the idea of a disabled friend or partner. That number will be significantly less, but maybe they are the best of them (or maybe they have a fetish). Either way you find out what you want and what you don’t want. You also are going to be rejected, until you feel bulletproof, you are not done. The Titanium Kroll process of online dating confidence, involves many levels of rejection absorption that is not unique to people with disabilities. But becoming bulletproof allows you to find out what you want in a partner and what you have to offer.

Disclaimer: You can stop reading if you are not really interested in online dating or are an old pro. These are my personal best rules for this topic.

My best rules are:

Cast a wide net. You can always put the fish back in the water if it starts to stink. But you never know what exotic and strange creatures you may come across that are worth at least studying.

Be forward. If you see someone that you like, say something to them. If you find it difficult to know what to say, all you really need is one clever and interesting line (preferably a question) you throughout over and over again.

Don’t feel bad when they don’t reply. You don’t know other people’s lives, maybe they don’t check their mail, maybe they are already flirting with someone else they really like, maybe they’re racist or not even who they say they are and you are not their mark type.

Don’t get too clingy. If you happen to start a good conversation and suddenly they are not responding, give it time and don’t keep messaging. At most you get 2 maybe 3 unreplied to messages before you start sinking into the clingy category. Ladies remember, guys often want what they think they can’t have, don’t be too available. Guys remember, girls like a little bit of mystery, give them something to wonder (positively) about.

Don’t let people get to clingy. Stalking is a real thing. Online stalking is a very common thing. If people pop up in places you do not expect, take a step back. If you wake up to 20 messages from the same person, be wary. Stalking when encouraged often leads to controlling behaviors, in not the best ways. You can be polite but you have to be firm that you are no longer interested.

Be friendly. Sometimes you just make friends. I have a few friends that I almost dated from back in the day and we still talk. Our lives are very different than they were, our friendship is different than it started. But if you are willing to date someone you probably also should be interested in being their friend. Sometimes you don’t get romantic love, but friendship is always a win.

Be careful. Of course you know the basics, don’t give out personal information until you absolutely know someone. And I mean like know their middle names and have actually talked to them. Never give out financial information, never give out money or currency, never sign any contracts. Don’t meet someone by yourself for the first time, or at least always keep it public. Make sure that before you get in a situation where it is just the 2 of you, they are someone who understands no means no and respects your decisions. Don’t give any private pictures to a person who will not delete them if you ask. (I’m pretty sure there are apps for that now).

Don’t repeat the same mistakes. Everybody has a type. You should probably learn what your type is. Then you should learn if that type is good for you. If they are not, tweak your type. Find out what you actually like and what is actually not good for you. Try to keep the 1st part while discarding or replacing the 2nd part. It is not always easy, but it usually leads to making new and interesting mistakes instead of the same old ones. Part 2. If you do something that continuously leads to the parting of ways and that thing is not absolutely necessary, stop doing it! The full disability conversation is necessary. If that’s where things end, such is life. If you keep trying to get them to understand your deep and abiding love for My Little Pony figurines or your World of Warcraft Battle archived videos, and that’s where things end, STOP IT! Please keep that hidden gem of yourself to yourself.

Move on. You had a good thing forming and it ends for some reason. Or you find the perfect person for you, if only they would reply. If you never actually met in person or talked on the phone many times, it is probable that you did not actually know that person very well if at all. People get turned off or uninterested for so many different reasons, most of them have to deal with that person and not you. Asking over and over again what happened, will likely not help you or get answered. Gleam what you can from the interaction or lack thereof and move on. I’m not saying it is never personal, but with online and app dating, it is best not to take it too personally. Because until you actually meet up or have a very extensive long-distance relationship, you might not feel like a real person to them, just an Internet character or persona.

The truth or dare to lie? The Internet is a great place for personas. In fact, if you want to try one on and are ok with the consequences, have at it. Just remember that if you like someone and you tell them any lies, you will one day have to come clean or say goodbye and deal with the feelings and rejection that come on both sides. There are different kinds of websites/apps, with different expectations of reality and truthfulness. If you are going to try on a new persona, find the appropriate place. Always remember that telling the whole truth or any lies will both have some sort consequences.

Have fun. If you’re not having fun, and it seems like a waste of time or an energy drain or an emotional roller coaster that is making you sick, get off the ride. Maybe you change websites/apps, or maybe you take a break altogether for a while. It does not mean you are necessarily giving up on the thought of ever being with someone. Sometimes it just means you need time to digest the information and growth you have acquired. Most of the time you find something right before you are about to give up looking or when you are not looking at all. You can leave your profiles active and not worry about checking them for a while. The goal I have always focused on is having fun and meeting interesting people, everything else is a bonus.

[susana-m]

I second everything Angel said 😉