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Finding Love
I have to admit, I’ve never put much effort into finding that special someone. Of course as Valentines Day approaches I’m reminded that yes, I’m single. Honestly it doesn’t bother me, but it does make me curious about others experiences. Have you found love? If so, how did you put yourself out there? If not, what holds you back?
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14 Replies
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It’s hard, that’s for sure. Or maybe it’s because I’m not good at it. Or maybe it’s because of disability. Or maybe it’s lack of focused effort. Maybe it’s overrated. Or maybe I’m missing out. These are the ideas that surface when I think about love and relationships.
I did make a New Year’s resolution to stop paying for dating sites. At one point a few years ago I had paid memberships to 2 or 3. But I abandoned all of them except OKCupid because it’s the only one that has profiles with substance (rather than reducing it down to swiping on photos, ew).
But overall I don’t have much luck with dating sites and the interactions there feel forced and awkward. Women are often outnumbered on dating sites so men end up sending a lot of messages that go unanswered (talking in the context straight men/women here), making it a numbers game and incentivizing low-effort messages—which, incidentally, is a big complaint women have.
It’s also easy to start idealizing—forming the “perfect” partner in your mind and then passing over people who don’t fit. I’m guilty of it and it almost certainly happens to me (I doubt I fit any girl’s idealized man lol). The whole experience feels gross.
So I decided to leave the apps behind. It’s either gonna happen naturally or it won’t and I’ve decided to be okay with that. Hopefully somewhere, someplace a girl will see me when I’m in my element—making stuff, playing D&D, talking about space or fonts or whatever—and find me attractive in that moment. That’s the kind of thing I look for anyway. But until then, shedding dating apps feels like a weight off my shoulders.
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Hey, I’ll give you credit for even trying the apps. I don’t have enough nerve to even attempt.
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51 years old heterosexual cis male here, struggled my entire life with finding a mate. It doesn’t bother me now, but in my late teens and 20s and even into my 30s I was extremely upset about it. Looking back, I believe what held me back was my own shyness and my fixation on un-obtainable individuals. I took rejection so personally and I always blamed it on my disability instead of considering how I could alter my outlook and appearance and behavior toward others. I wasn’t exuding confidence at all, and I realize now how much of a turn off that must have been to others.
It’s definitely harder now to attract a mate because my disease has progressed to the point where I can’t just go out and meet a stranger on a date because I can’t drive my wheelchair very well, I can’t speak loud enough for even my friends to understand me, and I can’t consume anything while I am out because I will probably choke and need whoever is with me to help me cough. These are difficult obstacles to overcome, perhaps not impossible, but at this late stage of my life I don’t have the energy to try very hard.
I am talking to a new friend I met on Twitter, we have met a few times at my house but we haven’t attempted to do anything in public yet. I’m nervous to do so, but she seems cool with the entire situation. I believe she already friend-zoned me, so some pressure is off, but as the weather gets better in a few months I’m going to make it a point to spend lots of time with her to see if I can get her to change her mind 🙂
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Thanks for sharing. I also struggle with getting out and going places. So yeah, it’s tough to naturally meet people. It’s a shame I didn’t have the confidence I have now when I was surrounded by women in college. Not that I have game now or anything but now that I’m older, more mature, have a job, etc etc. Best of luck breaking out of the friend zone. ????
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Thanks for sharing. I can certainly relate. The dreaded friend zone. You never know though.
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I made a comment here but it seems to have disappeared. Maybe a moderator can help me out? 🙂
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Hey Blake, I fixed it. Thanks for sharing.
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I’ve completely thrown in the towel on that lol. Seems like too much of an effort
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You’re too young to have thrown in the towel, but I’m with you that it seems like too much of an effort.
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Hahaha, thanks. Although turning 41 in just a matter of weeks doesn’t exactly feel young LMAO. I feel like I just have no patience and I get irritated easily. I’m ridiculously picky
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I have to say that I don’t think anyone should stop with the dating sites, but they don’t have to be traditional like OKCupid or any of the others. I think everyone on here is worth talking to and has a plethora of things to say to anyone. I’ve been married for 24 1/2 yrs, and I met my husband online back when chat rooms were a big deal. There was no dating or attempting to date, we were all just in there to talk about anything. I wasn’t even looking for a prospective significant other, and yet he happened just like that. I guess I’m trying to say, don’t sell yourselves short when it comes to being the person somebody wants to talk to. Pick something you enjoy, something that interests you, and go be involved. When you’re least expecting it, something will happen. If you are truly happy without a special someone, then that’s okay too.
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Yeah well said. This is what I am going for now. I’m trying to be more socially involved in communities and hobbies I’m interested in (like this one!) rather than force interaction on a traditional dating app. If I meet a special someone, cool. If not, at least it isn’t wasted time. I’m just done swiping. ????
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Love this Kelli!
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